But what does it really mean? Selective people judge potential partners based on their levels of compatibility and chemistry with them. Do you think your purpose in life is above other peoples? Are you convinced that your path in life is absolutely the correct path? Do you quickly assume that others are not doing as well as you are in life? Unfortunately, your low self-esteem may be pushing away good potential relationship candidates. Nevertheless, always remind yourself that everyone deserves to be loved. Having an air of mystery about you is an attractive trait but only to an extent.
You have to be controversial. A relationship consists of two people. Permanent solutions are created when we look deep within to discover who we are and what we really want.
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Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday. You may unsubscribe at any time. By subscribing, you agree to the terms of our Privacy Statement. By Aaron Zhu Updated October 9, I wanted a husband a little baby — my own little family. It was ripped from me in an instant. Especially since all my friends are part of a couple.
It just hurts. So badly. What a great article!! Why are they so lucky and when is my turn coming? No guy ever approaches me, I laugh, I smile, I am friendly and honest and nope all the compliments come from women. Anyway, thank you for letting me vent. I feel you, Mandy. When in actual fact, I feel lonely, depressed and hopeless.
The thought that I still have not given myself to a man means I am truly ugly and a loser and a piece of dirt. God is cruel how can he love me if he made me ugly and unwanted. He wants me all to himself or he is the only one that loves me what a complete jerk he is.
I hate this I hate this so much. I feel like screaming! My one true love dumps me. So what is wrong with me? I am a CBT therapist yet struggle to even practice what I preech. I thought I had found someone, someone who would be a great partner in life. He has is own fears and let those fears take over the relationship. I fear that I will be alone forever. I live in a small town in a rural part of Idaho. I like where I live however, I fear that by staying here I will be lessening my chances of finding someone because its so small and the man-child capital of the state.
I fear being left again, I fear being left and I fear I will continue down this road of dating misery, forever! I creating my single life destiny, a self fulfilled prophecy? I am single 36 yr old woman. I am extremely shy and introvert. I am scared and overthink everything. I thought i was pretty but now i understand i am not. I am obese, very short, with thinning hair, pot belly, an overbite , bulbous protruding squinty eyes and a teeth gap.
My father and brother r alcholics and i have lived watching them fight and abuse my mom and sis in law. I am over qualified. I have a postgraduate degree and dictorate and a high level job. I believe i dont deserve to be on top. These r a few of the reasons why i am single. I feel sad and hurt and ashamed when i see my neice and nephews getting married and having kids.
My life sucks. I came across this article and said…wow! I ask myself every day or so, why did God leave me alone? I am so angry sometimes I could scream!!! I read somewhere that serial killer Charles Manson married while he had been incarcerated, yet there seems to be no one in the free sane world for me? There is light at the bottomless pit of singleness for me. For those singles who want a family, take a deep breath and let it go, along with the burden of being single.
Create your own story that does not end with you dying alone. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!! I get so tired of the have faith phrase. I have faith. I have even tried dating sites. Trying to figure out what have I done so bad that has cost me ever having the love of my life…even down to questioning does GOD really love me?
I mean the Strongest desire I have right now is to be married.
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I am praying for GOD to take that desire away. I wanna be free from it if it is not his plan for my life. The hardest part, for me, is not being single. I can actually appreciate certain moments of my singleness now. Like the weight I no longer feel waiting on some guy to call or show up or make me feel worthy. And those days of playing detective, only to uncover the ugly truths I never really wanted to face, are gone. THAT is the hardest part about being single for me.
To have had love. A great love. An unconditional, honest, pure, and beautiful love. And to have been too young and stupid to have appreciated it. They say if you have chemistry you only need one other thing: Timing. But timing is a bitch. So here I am, single. Not at all how imagined my life would be at I imagine I could have been happily married with a kid or two by now. Instead, I chose to walk away from the love of life.
I guess I thought I could do better. I was only 19 when we met and 27 by the time I ended things. I thought I might have been missing out on other options. I wanted to know what else was out there. That was my biggest mistake and if I could go back in time and take it all back I would. In a single heartbeat. Enough to know that my soulmate is the one man I left behind at And now he is with someone else and I put him there.
Is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? If you ask me, no way. What they failed to mentioned was that your heart will break every day, over and over again, searching for the love it once felt only to come back empty every time. Mandy, you spoke not only your heart, but the heart of myself and pretty much every other single woman.
Your fears are my fears. As much I love your positivity and encouragement, which has uplifted and kept me going many days, I adore your vulnerability in also sharing the ugly truth. Positivity can bring us together, but it is the bare common ground that binds us and reminds us we are not alone. Being single is scary and when I see a happy couple i feel like crying.
Am so scared that il die single. At 38 I have never experienced true love. Surprisingly after being disappointed the whole of my life, I still believe in love. What is wrong with me? Im the one stood waiting for her friends only to find out they have left with the guy i was bypassed by. I can completely relate. Single still at almost Left my abusive husband back in and wound up dating the same kind of jerk until when I realized I deserved better and decided to take a break.
I am horrible on myself. Thank you for posting this Mandy…. I divorced my husband after 20 years of him struggling with sexual desires and then being physically abusive to our son. You are such an inspiration in this interesting, crazy, sometimes lonely, but still forging ahead journey called the single life. Nashville is on my bucket list of places to visit and when I get there I would love to meet you!
Thank you for your post. I relate a lot to what you said — pretty much everything you said. I was writing a blog entry the other day about a funeral I attended for a family member and I was thinking about how that side of my family was dwindling pretty fast. Then I was thinking about how my own side of my family pretty much ends with me. I have a sister, but I feel like that is their own part of the family that they get to carry on. I will be carrying on nothing. I feel pretty sad about it. I just want to be me, with my strong faith and my huge sci-fi geek side.
I want to be the grad student and the one who enjoys a young adult novel. The one who uses Facebook to keep up with friends but to also play social games. You make me wanna cry and hug you. This is me as well. The kid thing is getting to me more and more everyday. Being 32 and single has been very hard. Harder than I expected are willing to normally admit. I see no flaws in anything you mentioned, rather perfection. I am almost 39 and 21 months ago I decided, after years of thought and prayer, to take matters into my own hands and had an appointment at a fertility clinic.
It may always just be the two of us, but he is the greatest loves story of my life. Someday I may be a wife but, if not, thank god a precious little boy calls me mommy. This was God sent. This journey have many ugly heads. I know I wont end up alone, But being single and 35 is not a game.
I just want to hug you. I know how hard it probably was to write this, because that fear of judgement is REAL. I wrote a similar entry on my blog about a month ago and I was terrified to press submit. But I did, because someone needed what I wrote. Today, I needed what you wrote.
I love how God works things out! Anyway, thank you for your honesty. But you know that the men are not perfect either!! Marriage is 2 imperfect people focusing on the good in each other more than the bad. It really resonated with me. The good. The bad. Thank you for reminding to embrace these moments. You continue to be an inspiration, Mandy! Thank you Mandy for sharing!
I can relate to each and every word! All we can do is simply live this single life to the fullest. Wow, I can totally relate to everything you said. Reality is hitting home and I deal. This hit home. I too am mid thirties and single and can so relate. Sometimes we can even become obsessed with the single status.
But I try to live this time to my fullest as a writer blogger and traveler. We aRe here for a reason. Very excellent and very honest blog, Mandy! I feel the same feelings you feel about being single. Keep your head up and keep encouraging other single women in their walk with the Lord. Thank you for being so brave.
Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for writing this post and tackling this question. God bless! You seem to be writing everything that I am currently feeling. It gets very hard at times, but I usually try to stay optimistic. My previous bad choices in men have made me question myself, and I also had a man to basically tell me something similar to what you were told. That was years ago but I realize now that it really effected me. I needed this!!!
I really have a huge issue with being 26 and a single mom….. My ex telling me if I was just this or that we would work…. Kayla, you are enough for YOU and your son. What your ex is looking for is someone to fill the voids in his own life. No one can do that but him, so let him do that work himself.
Thanks for writing this article Mandy, I try to stay positive and keep busy. But in those moments when I am alone in my bed I have those same thoughts. I am ugly, too fat, too nice and no one will ever want to be married with me. I throw myself a pity party, cry myself to sleep. Its not easy being alone or single, but I would much rather be single than in a miserable relationship. This made me cry. Every day I think I am doomed to wander this earth by myself. Just last night I was boo hooing because my kids were gone and I was all by myself at home washing clothes.
Thank you for your honesty. I feel that I am a very loving, compassionate, caring woman that I feel is pretty nice looking wondering why God would make me this way and not give me someone to share my life with. You too are very beautiful, thoughtful and just wonderful.
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Thank you for your message. I love this post. And LOL, I am still single at Married for 23 years…miserably…and slowly getting to where I want to be. The truth is, we all have those doubts. We all want to be what we see presented in magazines and movies. And we are all flawed.
As are many of the men out there. I want a partner…an equal…So I keep on living my amazing, wonderful life and maybe some day, in my travels, I will meet someone interesting enough, secure enough, funny enough and smart enough to make ME take a double look. All very true! Such B. So, carrying on and being me! I needed this. I feel like these were the words right out of my own head! You rock Mandy. I never expected to be here at this stage in life as a still-single woman! This is exactly how I feel. Waited 5 years after second divorce to date, to get myself together, to learn to forgive and trust.
Dated and then got into another bad relationship. Another man I was going to help to love me. I can definitely relate to this. Mandy — Single at 36, and can completely relate to everything in your post. It scares me sometimes thinking about what will happen when I get old — who will take care of me and love me… I put up a brave face and try to enjoy the good sides of it, like travelling or taking up jobs far away from home. But deep inside yes I do feel the void. Have you sneaked inside my brain. Your words read like everything I think I agree with Jenn.
Spent most of my 20s being silly and praying my period would arrive. I am 37 single with no kids with a raft of what if and if only. But until then. I will keep reading your blog realising. None of us in this boat are alone xxx. This is so timely. I am older than you and my husband left after 10 years of marriage. I may just remain single which may not be a bad thing. This article has hit the nail on the head. No more self hate talk!
Thank you Mandy! I do the same thing! Always wishing for something! More money, bigger boobs, less fat, whiter teeth, more time, more laughter. Wish, wish, wish. Always on the run, waiting for something in the future and wishing today away. Today starts a new approach. Living in the moment with my eyes on Christ! Keeping our eyes on Him lets us walk on water!!! But rather, too much pep talk annoys me. And you just answered why. The bible says that we have this treasure Christ in us , in earthen vessels our bodies.
I personally believe that you got to have those days that you feel weary. And I often found that during these times the Lord catches me best. Very well spoken.
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As a 35 soon to be 36 year old woman, I totally relate to this post. Please give yourself some grace in this area. Thanks for sharing and I hope the readers that can relate to this post encourage you to just keep on your journey being exactly who you are. Be blessed! To friends around those of us going through divorce, be it currently or 5 years ago, I ask for patience.
Endless patience. It takes a lot of time to work through all of the detritus of divorce. And with a kiddo in the mix? Thank you for peeling back some layers and showing the ugly truth. And yes, I agree that we do need to be open and honest about the ugly parts too. I refuse to whine, wallow or any of that about being single. Not everything about it is bad. Not by any stretch. I can barely see through my tears to type this. I know it never will. No man can be serious enough or even know what they want for the future. Well done on being brave enough to face the turmoil inside, even though you may not feel strong right now.
Your fear is so totally understandable. Hopelessness happens. It feels overwhelming. I myself need medication, too, and many days I still fight to be grateful and hopeful The ONLY hopeless situation is one in which you give up. I just see from your post that you have or are considering giving up on a search for hope at all. Let me say that again: You.
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But we are ultimately responsible for opening our hands and accepting the good things God has put in place for us. The help we lonely people need does require us to stand up, pick up a phone, and talk to someone. Single at 41…soon to be Struggling with being single. Two failed marriages wrong men , one serious relationship that failed and almost destroyed me I felt he was my true love , and most recently a year casually dating a guy that was not ready but I kept on with him thinking I could make him get there by being totally into him. I was myself from the start but not a fit for him.
I feel like it was outward thing about me and what I do for work , not to mention location of where I live as to why he has distanced himself from me. Have I not picked up on the hints he is dropping? Life not going as I dreamt that it would. They want the benefits of a relationship but not the stress of one and plenty of women to give it to them. This goes for both men and women. Single life is not rewarding. You said every single thing that a single woman in the 30s could think inside and coild say outside thank you for these totally meaningful words.
Thank you for this post! I am 39 and still looking for the one. The one who will not only accept my imperfections but embrace them. I constantly put on my suit of armour and tell people just how great my life is. I have a great job, my own place and an adorable dog. But inside all I want is someone to come home to at the end of the day….. I giggled when you said some days you think anyone will do.
I myself am 39 and have said that many times. Best of luck to you! Dear Mandy Where do we go from here? How do we change our attitudes so that we can be open to Love again. I do believe we have created barriers for ourselves and have become stuck in a rut for fear of heartbreak. I am almost 53 and single for 14 years. This is getting boring but how do we leave our comfort zones?
I think I may be in Love with someone but too afraid to tell him and besides this crush I have had for 11 years could be my way of staying single as a defense mechanism. He has shown no interest although he comes across as shy and flustered when he sees me. Strange how we can let time slip by… almost unnoticed. The ugly truth needs to be exposed so we can heal and allow ourselves to be truly cherished the way we deserve to be loved. Your story is precisely my experience … people compliment me all the time… I am the only person that does not believe I am beautiful — bless your heart Mandy — let go and let God.
Lately the guys that I meet end up being immature, have too many problems or are just overall losers. You inspire me everyday to be a strong independent woman. The right guy will come along for all us. I know… It will happen! I forgot to include that it would be awesome to meet you and would be awesome for all of us single ladies here to get together! He tells us not to be anxious in anything to trust in Him to supply all our needs.
When I feel lonely, I will pray and God will give me a sign that he hears me.
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The more we force the issue the more we will be disappointed. And in the mean time have fun with your lives and continue to keep the faith!! It gets daunting. And discouraging. Maybe I focused too much on school and then on my job. Maybe I was too driven and my tunnel vision kept me from meeting Mr Right at that frat party I passed on in order to get some more study time in. This spoke the truth like nothing else I have read. Its nice to know I am not alone even if I am single lol. Thank you for writing this! I needed this today because I was starting to feel really lonely but I learned to embrace my loneliness and deal with it.
It helps to be truthful with yourself and not feel like you have to have an answer to being single. This is a great article and I feel like it completely describes me in every way. Thank you for writing the TRUTH so that all of us that have these fears that we may not discuss to others know that we are not alone and that it is ok to feel like this. Thanks again! WOW Mandy! Things have been real tough the past few weeks but by the grace of God, I know He has greater things set aside for each of us.
Our best days are yet to come! Stay Blessed. This was exactly what I needed to read.. I love the honesty and I have felt these emotions so many times. I hate being asked that question because I take the tone as what is wrong with you. But I have hope because I met someone a couple months ago. But at 32 I almost feel like I have preconditioned myself to expect failure. I guess it amounts to getting out of our own way and letting things develop. But sometimes someone stumbles in our path when we least expect it and accept us flaws and all. Well guess what, being single is hard too.
Dating is definitely NOT what it used to be. So, I pick myself up again and each time I wonder if this it… The last time I will go through that familiar pain. Thanks Mandy I appreciate your honesty. Thank you for sharing this. But the bottom line is we are human. We have wants, needs, and desires.
So what am I learning? So thank you-for sharing your thoughts. Thanks for the honesty. Overcoming our self-doubt can be harder sometimes than dealing with rejection or criticism from others. One thing that has helped me is to try to talk to myself as if I were talking to a friend. I would never tell a friend she was worthless or no one would ever want to be with her, but I tell myself that — even though I am a wonderful being and know that God made me who I am on purpose, with a purpose.
It can be a daily struggle. Wow, this is exactly what I am going through. I have said all these things to myself. Still do sometimes. I have been praying and doing a lot of meditating. But still hard some days. I needed to read this right now. Weeping not sure of the reason and feeling tired of being lonely behind closed doors so that I do not allow anyone to see my struggle , I get tired of hiding the fact this process is difficult.
Mandy, I appreciate this…you describe exactly how I feel. Word for word. No divorces and no kids. Mind you, he pursued me. So, I accept it. We are in this together. So true. I am My son is And barely how to talk to guys. I have been trying to step out of my comfort zone, but I feel so drowned by fear. I was rejected for everything I was. I feel your pain.
Getting past these fears are a serious struggle. I really love what you wrote. I am 38 39 in September a single mom, once engaged but never married. I too try to stay positive but its difficult. I appreciate all of the ladies here who expressed their feelings and you Mandy for having this blog available for us. My wish is that we all find the true, honest, loving relationships we long for.
Love and blessings to all of you. Thank you for sharing these very real thoughts and emotions. Just a thought. My heart literally hurts and I struggle to find happiness. Just yesterday I had a coming apart with God. I so desperately needed this post today. Single at Looking amazing, wonderful size 8, thank you Pilates! I also love Jesus. I have fabulous friends. I attend an incredible church. I own my own company. I love so many things, all of which I enjoy. I am involved in just about every way I can be…. Prayer, tears, and fighting the good fight each day, to claim my life as God intends and accept His will.
He never promised happiness. His plan is bigger than my pain. I get it. I am weary of it and yet each day, I rise and thank Him again. Thank you, Mandy. You are not alone. I want so desperately to be a partner in a marriage. I have strong faith and know God has a plan in it all. Thank you for sharing your honesty! It does help to know we are not alone in this.
Thank you for this blog! Sometimes I absolutely love it! I can do what I please, when I want or how I want without checking in with a significant other. These were guys that I was interested in and they approached me or were flirting with me or so I thought. I have spent many days and nights analyzing what went wrong. I have yet to come up with definite answers. I wish I would though. I sometimes wonder if I want it too much and that maybe I should just let it go. I felt like you was speaking my story. I too was in a toxic relationship for years..
He was my first love and is the father of my kids. This is the year I turn 40! Never in my life did I imagine I would be single by the time I reached the big This really brings home all of my doubts and fears. Am I pretty enough? Will he accept me as I am? It is hard being single! Have you ever read this book? I read it last year and recommend it to my clients a lot. It helps so many women…please keep it up!
U are Not ALONE trust me ur ugly truth is my truth too, Thank you for being you and In very and truly grateful that God is using you to speak to women on theses topics because they are much appreciated. That ugly truth is my truth. Scared, angry, unworthy, unlovable. My exhusband of over 15 years told me that I would never be happy. About 2 years after my divorce, I met Paul.
Paul was a breath-taking, tall, romantic, and handsome man. He used to write me love letters, leave cards on my windshield while I was at work, stare and smile at me for no good reason. Now, 13 years later…we are still not married. About a month ago, I asked him why;that being married was very important to me and he knew it was.
We used to have fun. Now we live a confined life. Of course after 13 years, there was a lot more to it than just that conversation, but that conversation is what ended it all. I think I remained in a loveless relationship for 10 years out of fear of being alone for the rest of my life. I do feel unlovable, not good enough, ugly, and fat. I feel diseased and unwell. Thank you for sharing your truths.
Among all the things I feel right now, alone, is no longer one of them! I have so much to give and pray that He sends me a man I will actually have chemistry with. Although I love my independence and free to do as I please, I long for the day when the search is over. When I meet that smile and when I close my eyes at night I see the eyes of my best friend looking back at me. I long for that love, peace and security of having a partner again.
Thank you for your humor and all your writings which have been a source of comfort. I turned 45 yrs old this past Sunday. Although through the years I have had a few long-term relationships, I sit here at the middle of life…single. I have certainly told myself all of the negative comments, and then some. Thank you for writing this blog. I look forward to more from you. What a wonderful post, I just adore you! We are beautiful and lovable, and we deserve the very best!
Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability. Your words speak volumes of truth. I am single and age I am adjusting to the fact that unless I wreck into someone out on my commute, there is minimal chance I will meet someone. Thank you for your blog! I agree with you on the men not noticing me at all comment. A few years back a lady at my church gave me a makeover and many men who never spoke to me before or noticed me before started noticing me.
Seems shallow to me. I am judged harshly for my age, not being married, having no kids, not drinking, etc. Thank you so much for this! Being single is HARD, but so are relationships. Its nice to know that Im not the only one out there that questions themselves……. This is how I have felt at times, but recently I decided to go to a large church and it was there that I began to have several guys approach me — just after I thought that season was over.
You and I are the same age, born in the Fall like you, too. You changed my life. I thought I was the only one! And then you came along and all the single women cowering in the shadows of public opinion started stepping out unashamedly into the light. You are a Godsend, Mandy, to thousands of women and people around the world!
I believe God sent you to light the way… and to dry our tears. And sometimes to cry from laughter, or at how vulnerable we feel after you touch something in our souls that only Mandy Hale ever could. You are beautifully, perfectly imperfect. The bright diamond on our social media. You have often been the sunshine after our rainy days. Someone as brave and as inspiring as you, deserves everything wonderful.
Thank you for opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of so many. The truth is it happens when it happens and no one really knows why it just does. I rather believe that someday unbeknownst to me I will be guided to the man that is meant for me. Meanwhile there is no reason to why I am single I just am. Plain and simple. Hi Mandy, This was so well written and articulated, which really struck a chord wit me. I have some underlining issues and am currently in therapy to resolve.
However, I have those same excuses. Thank you for this enlightening message. Everything you write speaks to my heart, and even more so with this raw realness. Thank you for sharing your heart! I was married for 10 years and he was all I knew. I just have to get to know a person. I have had the same problem of not meeting men as well. Now it seems like I walk into a room and I go un-noticed, as well as everyone is paired up already. Thank you so much for writing this blog. Thank you Mandy…. I am 43, single, never married, and refusing to settle. I always envisioned myself as married with about 4 children, but God has a different plan for me.
Oh my goodness. Brene Brown would be so proud of you right now!!!!! Your vulnerability just made me a reader again. Today you caught my eye and of course I had to read and now you have truly won me over again. It is like a hole inside of me every day that I have not been granted the one thing I wanted, to have a baby and a family with someone. Not anymore. I feel totally invisible. It hurts. And I am the queen of negative self talk. I have to work on it everyday. Whew, there, what a relief, I just spit it out and said it to a whole slew of your readers instead of just my close circle of friends!
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Not locking it inside. And now that it is released, may we all be able to speak the positive back in and take comfort in the good things about being single. At least we are not in a terrible and unhappy relationship or marriage, right? Reading this today and reading others comments really, really does help.
May we all find comfort here and the ability to keep the faith and let go. Mandy you have spoken to my heart deeply tonight. Your blog came to me via my 26 year old girlfriend, who thought I would find this interesting. He just married a little over a year ago at the age of 42! Apparently the men struggle too. As for me, I am approaching 4 years with a man who loves me flaws and all, and I am struggling with the barrier of loving my own self unconditionally such that I have a hard time receiving his love.
The negative self talk, anxiety, and performance driven mentality is a barrier to intimacy, vulnerability and openness, not to mention empathy, compassion and unlimited joy. I am in therapy because life has happened and I am woman enough to own my own stuff. Im standing for a breakthrough. Keep up the openness of your journey Mandy, I hope to one day blog and share my journey with you. Hugs :.
Just turned My blessings are too numerous to count. And that was after a LONG drought where i had finally come to terms with being alone. I truly am hopeless and devastated and wonder how things have gone so wrong. I wake up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. Thank you for this post. I am a 31 year old single woman who has never been in a serious or long term relationship…or really any romantic relationship for that matter.
I almost feel afraid of it at this point.